Bart Zamboni

Happy for a moment

2005-09-13T08:22:00.000-06:00

I was happy for a moment, then I cry. It is hard to come to terms with the reality that is in your face. I could see the hesitation in her smile. I knew she was scared. I had doubts she would press through, but she gave up. She did not feel about her the way I did about her. I will do anything for her. I think of her always, but she does not think of me always. Will I always be alone? Probably not. Will she come around? I hope and pray, but she does not see what is great in me. She does not understand, nor does she wish to understand me. If only things were different.

Hard but Manageable

2005-09-06T16:18:00.000-06:00

So things have settled themselves, as they always do. My latest romantic endeavor, which ended quickly and painfully, is starting to travel to the back of my mind and other interests move to the forefront. I am glad that pain passes, but somewhat disappointed that I always seem to run head first into it. I put myself through more pain than any situation dictates and I learn strange lessons. Lessons that I can't even articulate. I mean that something inside me changes. I can put a finger on it, but I am different. I don't mind admitting that I am tired of this dating scene, and I am ready to settle down with someone who can dedicate themselves to me as I dedicate myself to them. In my more optimistic moments I look around the room and wonder about every girl I see. My pessimistic moments, on the other hand, leave me alone and hopeless that such a relationship is possible. My father suggests that I stop thinking about it and let love find me. Although this is great advice, the implementation of such an idea is more difficult than it seems, especially when surrounded by the BYU culture and expectations. I will survive. The words to that song seem appropriate.

Whining Summary

2005-09-01T12:56:00.000-06:00

I may have to change my name, as the rink is suddenly hesitant to hire me back. That however is the least of my problems. This post will probably be rather whinny, as I will be venting. That means that although I take responsibility for everything I write, the ideas expressed here are likely to be a less thought out, overstated expression of my true feelings. Know that I might not mean all of the things that I say, at least to the degree that I state them.

I have always had good friends that have stood by me and been there for me. Last year was hard because the distance between my best friend and I grew putting great strain on our relationship. It was hard to deal with, I missed his support and I missed being a support for him. The fault belongs to both of us, for different reasons, but in the end it may have made it easier to deal with the physical distance that is between us. I am confident that we will remain friends, although the closeness isn't what it once was. In this difficult time, I reached out and successfully relied on my other close friends, developing some close friendships at the same time.

These friends really helped me through a hard time. This period was one of the darkest I can remember; I struggled with worthiness issues and personal demons. That phase is basically over and I can feel the tuggings of the Holy Ghost once more in my life. But as the mist clears, I am left with this feeling that I don't know where I am or in what direction I should be sailing. To add to the helplessness, the close friends that have always helped me in my journey are on their own journeys. I am left with loneliness and uncertainty as my only crew. There have been times in which I have started to feel closeness with friends, only to have something come between us, creating distance in the relationship. The scripture reads: "It is not good for man to be alone." I have never agreed more than right now.

But what do I do other than wait. I think it was Tom Petty that sang the profoundly appropriate words, "the waiting is the hardest part." It is during this waiting that I feel most like an outcast. Even my pleads to heaven seem to provide only temporary solace. Admittedly, I am hurting as I deal with yet another failed dating attempt. It is strange that no matter how strong your feelings are and no matter how hard you try to serve, nothing makes up for the feelings of the other person. Someday, I hope that I can explain the whole situation with out cloak and dagger vagueness.

In conclusion, I am thankful that God will provide for me. If I put him first, I am confident that I will find solace and joy, but it may take a while.

Skating before Hoes

2005-07-05T14:19:00.000-06:00

Most people know that I fall in love with most any girl that I see. The truth is that it rarely works out. I found a love that does work, skateboarding. I have expanded from my longboarding experiment to the world of real skating. I am not good at it, but that doesn't matter. At times I feel one with the board and suddenly the world seems manageable. Somehow I feel not so lonely. Words don't do the experience justice. The beauty of it is that being alone doesn't scare me anymore. If I have my board I know things will be fine. Skating might be closer to a religion than a hobby.

I have named my board Suzie Blue, and my longboard Lady Luck. I call them Suzie and Lady for short. I often refer to Suzie as my girl friend, but Lady is my mistress. The other longboard doesn't have a name. Any suggestions you give would be appreciated but might be ignored on a whim.

Changes

2005-05-06T02:01:00.000-06:00

My Dad's favorite piece of advice is: Time passes and things change. He says this is the only thing that stays constant. That contradiction is for another entry. This entry is about change. I moved. I have different friends. I go to church somewhere new and many of my friends are out of reach. The old life calls me but mocks me by staying in visual range but just out of reach. Everything seems different. Even the computer from which I am typing this entry is literally different. The weather is changing and so are my habits. I now have my own room, with a lot more space. My new Bishop challenged me to start praying more, namely in the morning. I am trying to do that. My music taste is shifting, mainly in the direction of laid back music with a splash of gospel. I am starting to see the direction of the change in my life, and I actually like it. I like it!

Hockey balls and noses don't mix

2005-03-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

Ten minutes after my birthday, I had an encounter with a hockey ball during a friendly game of floor hockey. My nose bled everywhere. It was spectacular. I was goalie at the time. The worst part was that I did not prevent the goal. The funny part is how little it hurt. Other than the initial impact the most annoying part was that it wouldn't stop bleeding. i was pretty convinced that it isn't broken. I am less so now. Nothing I can do about it now. Here is a pic of my nose's current progress.

Assumptions Class, Part 1

2005-02-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

To prove how dorky I am, I have decided to construct a syllabus for a class that I think should be taught. The class would be on assumptions. The assumption of this class is that assumptions are unavoidable. The purpose of the class is to review basic assumptions that inform theories across disciplines. I am not talking about assumptions that you make about individuals or doing a specific project. These assumptions go deeper, more fundamental. I am sorry if you are not familiar with a lot of my terminology. If this post is too deep for you, then please show it to someone who can help me. I have decided to first come up with a basic outline of types of things that people assume at a fundamental level. Here is my list so far:

Ontological - assumptions about being
Epistemological - assumptions about knowing
Methodological - assumptions about method
Ethical - assumptions about right/wrong

I am sure that I am missing some others. I am hoping that I can get some input as to more basic categories that I can examine. Keep in mind that I am merely surveying categories of assumptions not the actual assumptions themselves. Once I have pinned down the categories I am going to start filling them with assumptions. My hope is to devise a course that teaches students to analyze assumptions. I have perhaps even thought of a test, the purpose of which is to help students identify the assumptions they already make according to these categories. Please show this to all those philosophically minded people that you know. I will not post again until I get feedback. I need it.

The Struggle's the Glory

2005-02-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

"Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever." -The Replacements

These words of wisdom lift my soul to new heights. They remind me of the benefits of the struggle. Eternal life is not in the afterlife; it is found in living. Following the Spirit. Doing the will of the Father. Being Christ-like. These are verbs. Pain comes. Scars come. But with those comes the Glory. I live in the NOW. Blessings ensue when the struggle of life is encountered head on.

Thankless

2005-02-19T01:42:00.000-07:00

Today, I thought to myself, "Self, you sure would look cool driving the Zamboni with sunglasses on." I was right. What I wasn't right about was my ability to see with sunglasses on. I couldn't tell the difference between the new and old ice. I had to take them off, but they didn't want to stay on my collar. Nooo. They just had to fall in my lap. I was like, "ahhhh." Then I go them and secured them on my collar. Ok, so it was a lot scarier than it sounds. I did look cool though. Then they let me go home early. The best part of the whole scenario was the ice. It looked wonderful. And who might you ask did I make such perfect ice for? Some rich punks who rented the ice for a private hockey party. I am almost positive that they didn't appreciate it.

Zamboni driving is a thankless job. Good ice is expected. If the ice sucks, though, suddenly they know where to find me.

Valentine's Day?

2005-02-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

Staying up all night to write a dumb paper. I hate it. The next day is always filled with a haze, a mixture of relief and exaustion. I am tired. I wouldn't be so tired if I had more dedication. I am so tired. Class beckons. My friends love me. Woooooooo. Happy V-day. May love find you wherever you may be. I hope to find it too. More likely I will find some hoochie that will make out and leave me with the chicken bill. She will never call and I will be sad for an hour. This is the pattern of my love life.

Easy Yoke

2005-02-01T01:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes burdens are lightened. Days like these require gratitude and humility. I am grateful the Lord lightened my burdens and postponed my deadlines. I just hope I can make it worth His while. I love the Lord. May the Lord bless me to be an instrument in doing His will.

Divine Loneliness

2005-01-29T23:27:00.000-07:00

I am not what you would call a normal BYU student. I am not even a normal student. I am not even a normal person. Why would I want to be? Normality is boredom. To me, boredom is death. Death brings rebirth. I have discovered the peaceful sensation of embracing boredom and aloneness. When they are tackled instead of avoided or escaped they provide moments of divine closeness. When we are alone is when God is closest. When we are bored the world is less able to distract us. Pain provides healing. A friend once said to me, "The struggle's the glory." That proves true.

I can change who I am. It seems like a logical statement. The problem is how often we fail to feel change. Sometimes, however, we feel like we are so changed that the past no longer accurately reflects us. I feel this now. The process of redefining one's self is scary yet adventuresome. Daily I answer the question of who I want to be with actions. I act differently and therefore am different. How long can I keep this feeling going? Can I lose myself in others?

Love

2005-01-12T01:27:00.000-07:00

Always out of reach. Rarely in sight. The desturbing part is the lack of pain. I t is almost as though I am used to the feeling of loneliness and rejection. Taking risks in the name of love can feel exciting like a journey into the unknown, but this feeling is more familiar. This feeling is more like home. Will I find anyone who wants me as much as I want them? I don't care. I am comfortable in the dark, naked and alone.

The Chasm Between Past and Present

2004-12-30T01:28:00.000-07:00

Waiting for someone to sweep me away isn’t working. It never does. I ell myself it could happen... it will happen. How ironic that to those who think like me, it NEVER happens. For those of us searching for luck, it only comes after tremendous amounts of work. After reading Liz's blog, I started to think about my life as it was growing up and as it is now. What shocked me is the immense chasm that exists between the two. If those who know me now could see me then they might not recognize me. This leads to the question: which one is really me?

To where can I go to find that answer. I could look to past experience or my present condition. This would involve looking for patterns and I would probably conclude that somehow my past has led me to where I am today. Maybe instead, I should look to the future. What do I want my life to be? The answer comes: both are incomplete. What I want from life is the best of what I have been united with the best of who I am currently. Even those two are incomplete without the best of what I could be. With life comes the good, the bad and the ugly.

Savior of the Ice, Part 2

2004-12-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

In order to understand the first step, of lowering the conditioner until it comes in contact with the ice, one must understand what the conditioner is and why it must be lowered. The conditioner contains the blade, the pipe from which water flows and the towel bar. The conditioner is lowered in order to cut the ice, lay down new water, and smooth the water flow. In addition to this, wash water is sprayed onto the ice. A squeegee on the conditioner catches this wash water and a pump sucks the water back up into the tank where it is recycled. If the conditioner isn't in contact with the ice, the dirty wash water pollutes the ice. Also the conditioner must be all the way down because the augers, which collect the snow and route it to the snow tank, stay stationary. This means that the augers could come in contact with the conditioner. Sometimes, if the conditioner is lowered but not lowered all the way, the plunger that is used to prevent snow build-up can come in contact with the augers. This will damage the Zamboni, putting it out of commission for at least a day.

What does all of this have to do with spiritual things? This physical cleansing of the ice could hold insights that align with how spiritual cleansing can occur. The first thing that must occur for the ice to be cleansed is that it must come in physical contact with its savior. In our case, we must come in spiritual contact with our Savior. In real life, as well as with the ice, this contact should be as close as possible in order to be most effective. The Blade is then lowered that scrapes the ice. This might be likened unto trials, guilt or consequences that come as a result of sin. Just as the degree to which the blade is lowered is dependent on the damage done to the ice, so our consequences of dependent on the damage done to our relationship with God. The ice is next cleaned with the wash water and pump. Like little promptings that teach lessons that stick with us all our lives, this water is sprayed and recycled. If we are not in contact our Savior these lessons are lost and must be claimed on a different cleansing pass. Immediately after this scraping and cleaning, a hot layer of water is laid. The amount of water laid should be more to the amount taken from the ice in the cutting stage. The towel then smoothes the freshly laid water in order to make a glossy finish. This refers to cleansing that is felt. The cleansing influence of the Holy Ghost is often described as a warm feeling. One interesting insight that should be noted is that the ice must be given time to freeze completely. When the water is first laid and as it freezes it is extremely vulnerable to damage. Thus time must allowed in order to have the most resilient ice. In the same way, we are especially vulnerable to sin when we begin the repentance process. The last corollary is that just as the Zamboni must be utilized frequently to produce clear ice so we must repent often to maintain spiritual clarity.

Savior of the Ice, Part 1

2004-12-08T03:31:00.000-07:00

Some of these ideas are rehashed from a dear friend of mine. I will speak about the symbolic nature of the Zamboni.

In order to illustrate this I will first describe the process of ice resurfacing. The first thing that is done when the Zamboni is driven on to the ice is the lowering of the conditioner until it comes in physical contact with the ice. Next the blade is lowered. This blade shaves the ice. The degree to which the ice is shaved depends on the depth of the scrapes in the ice. The more scrapes in the ice the deeper the blade. Finally the Zamboni lays an even layer of hot water, to replenish that which has been shaven. It is important to note that the water must freeze in order to fully replenish the ice.

I think this process can be taken as a metaphor for spiritual cleansing. How so? Wait and see.

Winner

2004-12-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have declared a winner.

New Profile Pic?

2004-12-03T03:36:00.000-07:00

I need your help. Which picture should I use for my profile?

Please Vote!

Choice A Choice B

Times of Rebellion

2004-11-27T14:04:00.000-07:00

There are times in people’s lives in which they are tempted to move in a direction inconsistent with their past. I call this rebellion. This rebelliousness can manifest itself in different moral directions. In high school, I was unsatisfied with the lack of moral direction in my life. My parents were interested in letting me choose my own path. Generally, I had adopted their path. I chose to rebel at age 16. I chose to move my life into the direction of religion. This new path meant that many of my decisions were prescribed for me. There were standards, not decided by me, that I was expected to live. The idea of God leading my life was liberating. I am grateful that I chose to be inconsistent with my nonreligious up bringing. Although, this manner of rebellion is not generally associated with the term, I would consider it a similar, if not an identical, concept.

Generally considered, rebellion is moving one’s life in a direction inconsistent with one’s past when one’s past is considered to be morally upright. The negative connotation associated with rebellion is due to this definition. This weekend, I had a brush with this particular form of rebelliousness. I made some choices for no other purpose than to be inconsistent with my past. In this case I chose to intentionally disobey rules. Notice I did not say that I chose to ignore rules; rather, I acknowledged them but did not follow them. In some cases these rules were set by no one other than me. What did I learn from this experience? I learned that although breaking the rules has a certain appeal, the aftermath is more than I can deal with. The consequences don’t necessarily come in the form of getting caught; they more often come in the form of guilt and disappointment in one’s own actions. Just as before, I am grateful that I rebelled. I have reaffirmed my faith in my life’s direction.

Lonely Day

2004-11-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I watched Fight Club. It must have put me in a violent mood because this story came to mind:
When I was in middle school there was this kid that I hated, his name was Braden. He was slightly bigger and a little stronger than me. He always picked on me. I always thought that I could take him if I tried. One day he was screwing around with me and he grabbed my wrists and was started mocking me saying, "You cant touch me" and "come on fight back idiot." I finally had enough and swung my head back. My forehead smashed into his fat lips. Due to the success of this maneuver, I repeated it. His lip busted and blood started flowing down his chin. He deserved it, that jerk. As he ran off, I noticed no one saw any of what had happened. When I got back to class, he was sitting with a cloth on his lip. Someone asked him what happened. He replied, "I fell." I couldnt believe it. I wanted to say, Or I took it to you. Gosh that rattled me.

This story seems to illustrate my feelings tonight. I felt alone. No one was in Provo. After the movie, I felt bitter, angry, and alone. I started to think about my struggles in life. Am I worthy of Gods love? I want to be a better disciple, but lately my attempts to do so point to nothing but failure. I was tempted to go fugue on the world. I could move to another town and assume an alternate identity. It would be so liberating to leave my life behind and start over. Deep inside, however, I know that the same issues I am dealing with now will follow me. I cant run away from life. All I can do is embrace it and work through it. Fresh starts don't equate with change. To me, it feels as though divine assistance is required in order for real change to occur. Often, this assistance is what I lack.

Motivation

2004-11-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

James E. Faust gave a General Conference talk about trials. The talk was very good. It tackled some deep issues that aren’t often thought about. Overall, I have no arguments with the article. One question did arise, however. He says that God wants our motivation for our actions to be out of love and devotion for Christ. According to Faust, this seems to be one reason for trials, but later on in the very same talk he encourages us to ponder on the things of eternity. By this he seems to imply that we should seek for the rewards of heaven instead of this world. It is clear that rewards of the worldly variety are not what should be sought, but I question that heavenly reward is necessarily a worthy objective. Acting for the sake of reward of any kind, future or immediate, is merely a variation of hedonism. Not only that but this seeking for heavenly rewards appears to violate the reason for trials mentioned in the first place, that of acting out of love for the Savior. Are these different techniques aimed at helping different people, namely people of different spiritual progressions? To me this offers an example present in therapy and religious practice. Too often advice is given that based on its ability to fix, or quick-fix, the dilemma without first consulting the doctrine or theory. This could explain the disparities between doctrine, or theory, and practice.

Ontogeny Recapitulates Phylogeny

2004-11-17T04:53:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about the phrase “ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.” I wonder if this could be true. Are we merely acting out our necessarily determined past. My family is a huge part of who I am but there are dimensions of my personality that are not explained by them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. It seems however that my friendships also influence my identity. What role does my relationship with all of these parties have on who I am? What about biology? What about my relationship with God? My personal agency must also come into play somehow. This line of thought has been running through my head since last year sometime. I wanted to come up with a succinct theory of human behavior that explained behavior in such a way as to allow for human agency. In class today, Dr. Slife talked about systems theory. Suddenly like a flash of simultaneous insight, it all came into perspective. What if all of these factors, along with unnamed others, combine in a formal fashion to simultaneously create ontology. If this is the case, a change in one part causes an instantaneous change of the whole. In addition because the whole is constituted as more than the sum of its parts, each part in the whole is a microcosm of the whole. This means that investigation into any of these aspects of human nature should produce useful information as to the identity of the individual. This theory is rather similar to, if not identical to, organismic systems theory as taught in class today. This is my current perspective. Tomorrow it could change.

Fireworks

2004-11-15T03:40:00.000-07:00

This is an old story (3-4 July 2000), but it was too good not to post:

It was the 3rd of July, and I was about to go on my mission. My friend and I had just gotten back from South Carolina, buying fireworks when we decided to go to a firework show and we brought some fireworks with us in case we wanted to...you know have fun. As we were leaving, my friend says, "oh crap, that was a cop."

I replied, "so what?" He then told me that he had just thrown a firework out of the passenger window, over the top of the car. I pulled off. When the cop came to the car, he was pissed. He wanted to know who threw the firework. Both of us indicated my friend. The cop ripped him out of the car. After yelling at him for a while the cop came back. I thought he was going to simply say something like, "you friend is in a lot of trouble." instead he ripped me out of the car and yelled at me. I was driving and therefore responsible for the incident.. He asked me if I knew what happened. I didn't.

Apparently, the firework went into the cop's window and blew up in his lap. It was a flaming flower type. It spun burning his uniform and his floorboard. He spent the ride telling us of how, after this felony charge, terroristic threats and actions, we would never get a good job EVER. When we got to the jail, the deputies were giving us the run around. They would ask us one question and then send us to our cell, repeating the process over and over to stretch out the booking. I was crying because my mission papers were in and I was afraid I wouldn’t be allowed to go on my mission. As I was crying, I heard a whisper from beside me. I looked to find a skinny, black man who looked like a typical crack-head. He whispered to me words of wisdom, "don't let 'em know they hurtin' ya man." I took his advice to heart and sucked up my tears. Suddenly, the deputies stopped messing around with me, asked me my questions and gave me my phone call.

I went to the Bishop on Sunday and told him the story. Somehow I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I was wrong. He called the Missionary department and they put my papers on hold. I prayed and fasted. My parents got the best lawyer we could afford. I waited with sweaty palms outside of the courtroom as we awaited the preliminary trial. I was nervous about the case, but also about facing the angry cop who was so mean to us. As we entered the court, I looked around and didn’t see the police officer anywhere. I was relieved All of the sudden it hit me, no cop, no conviction. The judge dismissed he case immediately. The cop had gotten fired and had refused to testify in any court cases, including mine. I called the Bishop, who called the Missionary department. If I had been convicted of a felony, I would have to wait 3 years before I could resubmit my papers. If convicted of a misdemeanor, I would have to resubmit my papers after serving my time, probation and all. As it turned out, I got my mission call two days after the Bishop spoke with the Missionary department.

2004-11-01T23:11:00.000-07:00

Dump this!

2004-11-01T23:10:00.000-07:00

Why am I here?

2004-11-01T23:09:00.000-07:00

2004-11-01T23:07:00.001-07:00

My handle-bar mustache turns you on.

2004-11-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

I see you.

2004-11-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

Yeah...this ain't my car.

2004-11-01T23:03:00.001-07:00

Mustache-o.

2004-11-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

Need a car wash?

2004-11-01T23:01:00.001-07:00

Want a house with a white picket fence.

2004-11-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

Smells like poop.

2004-11-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

Me and my ex-girlfiends.

2004-11-01T22:59:00.000-07:00

I don't play the guitar.

2004-11-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

Recovering Disaster.

2004-11-01T22:57:00.000-07:00

My first goatee.

2004-11-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

I drive it.

2004-11-01T22:55:00.000-07:00

My friend, the Zamboni.

2004-11-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

Freshmen like homecoming.